October 30, 2017

In August, I spent a good amount of time with my (now ex-) boyfriend's family.  His parents celebrated their 50th anniversary and a week later was his father's birthday.  I enjoyed spending time with them, but it was interesting just to observe his parents, especially his father.  I could see such strong physical resemblance that it wasn't hard to think: this is what Chris will look like in 30 years. 

I could also see similarities in their personalities.  Chris seems very much like his father in personality--less talkative, less at the center of things.  I felt like I was struggling to get to know his father (as I often struggled to know what Chris was thinking and feeling).  It was something of a confirmation of Chris's personality to see how his father acted.  His mother, on the other hand, was easier to get to know as she was definitely the conversationalist--I could relate to that myself, though I was shy (and maybe a bit intimidated!) around her.

Looking back to my marriage, I didn't ever know John's father as he'd left when John was four and was never really heard from or seen again (which no one who knew him seemed to consider a great loss).  Even John had no real recollection of him.  I'd seen a photograph or two of John as a baby with his father, but couldn't get much impression of his father and any possible physical resemblance or, less so, any personality similarities.

John's mother I knew for a while, but over time, John stopped trying to connect with her, and she also didn't make any effort that I knew of to keep in touch.  The last few years, they didn't call or email one another at all, even at holidays or birthdays.  Her appearance was rather dominated by the stroke(s?) she'd suffered, and her physical disability which left her essentially wheelchair-bound.  It was hard to see a family resemblance between her and John.  Her personality I remember as ranging from indifference to bitterness.

I guess it was hard to imagine what John would look or be like in 30 years.  Perhaps it should have been ironically obvious: like his father, he would only exist in photographs (at least to me).  Like his mother, I would notice his bitterness foremost, and there would eventually be no connection between us, including holidays or birthdays.

And then I think of my parents, and my mom especially.  I remember looking at a picture of my mom and me recently and thinking, that's what I'm going to look like in 30 years.  There was of course the immediate "oh, God, no!" reaction of denial that I could ever have hair that gray (uh, though it's definitely happening already) or skin that wrinkled (sigh, that's happening too).  But then it struck me--my mom's smile...here's the picture, see for yourself.

She's beautiful.  Her face glows with joy and her heart with peace.  And I immediately thought: oh, God, I hope I look just like that in 30 years!

My mom hasn't had the easiest, happiest life.  Truly, her childhood and young adulthood had some ugly moments (or months or years).  Even at the time this photo was taken, she was carrying some serious weight in her heart for my sister and me.  A few months earlier, my sister had broken off a ten-year relationship and then started up with a guy nearly 15 years her junior (they're now married!); and I was struggling to get pregnant...or...decide if I even wanted to stay in my marriage (a strange and awful combination that eventually tipped to the latter).  Still, she finds (chooses?) joy and peace.

Perhaps I should stop plucking my gray hairs and focus on embracing my own joy and peace ;)

August 31, 2017

Oh, gosh, I love books!!!!  I just got a couple of impulse purchases from Amazon, and I must be the biggest geek ever (no shame!) because here I am, staying up late to read...Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam.  Isn't that the book everyone (except me--I read Savage Inequalities) had to read in college and absolutely loathed because it was long and boring?  Oh, but it's sociology!  (I'm so excited!  And I far from loathed Savage Inequalities, btw.) 

Anyways,  I've only read a few pages of the introduction, but I can't wait to read more 😊 I look forward to learning more about how we got to where we are right now--a bit (or a lot) stunted in our social organizations and sense of community--and what can we do about it?

I thought of how my parents were involved in social groups when I was young.  I think they did stuff with small groups through church, and I remember them having regular get-togethers with friends.  We did a cookie exchange with our neighbors every Christmas.  But now, I'm not really sure what kinds of groups they are involved in.  I think my mom might still do a group through church--or did she stop that?  She used to volunteer, but I'm pretty sure that's over.  I can't think of a consistent social group my dad has been a part of in the recent past...  They were both friendly with the neighbors across the street, but those neighbors moved out to the west coast a few months ago.

As for me, I've lived in Madison a little over a year now, and have yet to really find "my people".  Admittedly, I haven't made a lot of effort to look--or wait, have I?  I did a fair amount of volunteering last fall, and have gone to a couple knitting meetups.  I've taken some classes--a one-day art class, a weekend dogsledding (eep!) workshop, a couple months of ballroom dance, and three semester-long credit classes at the community college.  I tried out the local Buddhist meditation group a few times, and went to the Unitarian Church a handful of times too.  Nothing really made me feel like I was part of a community.  Maybe I'm trying the wrong groups?

I'm not the most outgoing personality, and certainly that works against me, but I do have the suspicion that it's just harder to make friends nowadays.  Are we just socially inept?  Okay, that's not quite what Bowling Alone is about, as far as I can tell--it's more community/social networks than friendships.  But it seems related.  It's hard to stay involved when the connections don't seem to quite jell.  I went to a knitting meetup tonight--there were 6 other women there.  No one introduced herself (including me).  Maybe they all knew each other really well and were wondering who the heck I was, but it was weird.

Who the heck am I, anyways?  Haha.  I'm a girl who loves books.  Geeky books, all the books.  So grateful for books!

February 2, 2017

2015 was the year of spinning--yarn, that is--a total of 18 pounds, 11.8 ounces.  2017 will be the year of biking!  The biking actually began last summer when I returned to Madison, carless (carfree!)  My transportation needs were met with a mix of biking, city bus, and occasionally borrowing my parents' 20-year-old car-on-life-support.  I biked to work and volunteering, bused to school (across town), and bought my own car at the end of September, once I'd moved to my own apartment.  I could have gotten by without the car, and maybe I should have tried to do it longer to save money, but it sure made life easier.  Groceries would have been a burden to always get by bike & backpack, and social time would have been pretty much limited to work and school.  Also, I felt like I needed a car to ensure I could get Molly and George to the vet if/when needed.

But even once I had the car, I biked to work every weekday.  (Weekends, parking is free, and I admit I took advantage of that!)  As the weather got colder, coworkers regularly asked me how long I would keep biking.  I told them all that I'd like to bike as long as I can, but I'd take things one day at a time.  (Secretly, I was hoping I could bike through winter.)  Bitterly cold temperatures in mid-December gave me a bit of a reality check, and I took the bus a few days, but I still managed to bike more days than not to work. 

As you can imagine, I became a bit focused on (obsessed with) the weather.  I'd check the weather app before leaving for work, paying attention, too, to the forecast for my ride home.  I learned what clothing I needed to wear for what temperature points, and I celebrated each 10 degrees cooler that I conquered¹!

My somewhat fanatical dedication to biking (remarked on by coworkers) was really just me being a cheap-ass and not wanting to pay for parking if I could avoid it.  Parking for the evening shift runs around $350 a year, I think.  That really isn't that much, but dammit, I'm not going to pay for it if I don't have to!  And so far, on February 2nd, I've paid exactly $12 for parking since starting at my job 6 and a half months ago (I missed the bus one day, and it was snowing).  Of course...I may have spent a few dollars on needed bike gear...a few dollars, like, more than $350 at this point²!  But I'm not paying for parking, haha!  I figure parking would be an annual expense, but this gear should last me (much) longer.  Additionally, I'm saving on gas & car maintenance, and I'm getting great exercise.

Anyways, 2017: I'm going to keep track of my mileage :)  I don't have a specific goal in mind, other than 'a lot'.  I think if I bike less than 1,000 miles, there'd be something weird happening (like a broken leg or extended illness).  Would I like to hit a (much) bigger number?  Of course ;)  But we'll see.  January, admittedly not the best month for biking, I managed 64.5 miles, over 8 days of biking.  June, there's a tentative bike trip in northern Wisconsin (location of many great adventures already!)  The bike trip has been on my bucket list for a number of years; 2017 is the year it happens³! 

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1 I've 'conquered' down to a windchill of about 15. I'd have to get warmer gear (gloves, especially) to go much further.^↩
2 There was the derailleur adjustment (about $15), good head & tail lights ($90, I think?  SO worth it!), warm gloves ($75, meh, could be warmer), warm pants ($145--damn, those were pricey, but they are amazing and worth every penny!), a balaclava ($45--it's so awesome!), safety goggles to cut the wind ($10, and I got what I paid for), and just last week, fenders ($75, installed, they're beautiful, and keep my clothes from being a slushy mess).   Brakes will be replaced this weekend, estimated $140.^↩
3 Woot! Footnotes!^↩

January 28, 2017

I think this will be more of an update-style for my family (and friends?  Does anyone read this?  Buehler?) 

Classes started up again two weeks ago, and I'm committed financially, so I guess I'd better start studying, huh?  Haha, I'm taking a class on Race & Ethnicity in the U.S. and the other is an introductory sociology course.  First impressions: Race & Ethnicity--it's a lot of reading of articles, which I think will be much more interesting than reading a textbook, so hooray for that.  Work outside of reading appears to be minimal--no real papers, no real tests (which makes me question if this is a real class...)  Eh, well, it may not be the most academically rigorous, but I intend to get as much as I can out of the content--the reading & class discussion--and ignore the fact that there isn't more other 'work'.  A bonus with the class is I volunteered to be a notetaker for a classmate with a disability.  Assuming the classmate doesn't drop the class before it's halfway done, the college will give me a $75 gift card to the bookstore at the end of the semester.  Not bad for doing the same stuff (showing up & taking notes) I would have done anyways!

The sociology intro class, well, that's going to be academically rigorous, all right.  There will be 4-5 writing assignments, plus a research project which hasn't been detailed too much.  Lots of reading, four exams, etc.  It's a bit intimidating, but I'm trying to trust it will all be okay.  My TA is awesome, anyways.  She's smart, sassy, and a self-confessed cat lady.  What's not to like?

But yeah, the readings for both classes so far have been amazing.  SO interesting.  I love this stuff!  I'm heading to Half-Price Books today to buy an overambitious stack of books that I likely won't have time to read anytime soon.  Ah, but hope!  I'm finding myself most intrigued with issues of inequality in the field of sociology--gender, race, class, age.  I've been debating about whether grad school is in my future.  Well, I think it is, but I guess which track.  Almost a year ago I started thinking about a Master's in Social Work.  After taking these awesome classes in sociology (last semester and this), I'm wondering if I should shift to a Master's/PhD in Sociology instead.  I worry about putting a tremendous amount of time & effort (and money?!) into something and then halfway through, or at the end, thinking: er, maybe this wasn't the thing after all.  I'm not even sure a lot of soul-searching will bring me to a definitive answer.  Either route would be a long journey that would require continual re-commitment to the goal.  There'd surely be moments of doubt when I'd have to just trust that it'll work out, but well, isn't that the point of doubt--you're lacking faith?  Eh, I struggle with this kind of stuff...

Anyways.  I ordered a new-new sofa today.  The old-new sofa I ordered back in December was not-delivered a week or so ago (after being on backorder for a month, argh!).  The arrangement of walls and corners leading to my apartment would have required the sofa to be tipped vertically, and wouldn't you know, I ordered a sofa that was 95" long, and that's exactly how tall the ceilings are in the hallway.  The delivery guys took a quick look & a measurement and didn't even attempt it.  Dammit.  So I dragged Chris along on the sofa hunt, part two, but he was just a delight to have along--easy going as a puppy!  (It was almost annoying, because I just wanted to get it done, dammit, and he was just so cheery!)  I knew from the first trip that there wasn't much I liked in my price range.  The 95" behemoth was the only real option given my constraints.  So I dreaded having to choose a new-new sofa that was either not what I wanted in terms of style/comfort, or not what I wanted in terms of price.  In the end, I expanded my desires in both areas: I'm getting a faux leather sofa(?!)  I never would have expected that!  It's really quite lovely to look at (hopefully George will agree...), and Goldilocks in terms of firm-plush.  It's a mere 78" long ;) and priced about $100 more than I wanted to spend, but whatever.  Done.  Also: it was in stock, and will be here Wednesday.  About time!

Lastly, Chris and I went to the Galleries at the Overture Center.  There was a handmade book exhibit I wanted to see--ohh, it was so amazing!!!  Equal parts inspiring (I want to do that!) and intimidating (I could never do that!)  Sigh.  Taking a class in bookbinding is something I've wanted to do for years.  It's happening, this spring.  There's an 8-week class through the UW extension, but also a one-day class that I think I might take instead.  Eight weeks is a lot of commitment to squeeze into everything else!

And now, Half-Price Books is calling...

December 20, 2016

A woman on Ravelry posted a photo of a lovely handspun hat she just finished (oh, the stripes!).  She was wearing the hat, looking either bored or contemplative.  She clarified that she was more deep in thought than bored, and when I started to comment on her post, my compliment on her hat quickly got buried in thoughts on thoughtfulness.  I edited back to the compliment, and decided to do a blog post for the rest!

It's a good season for spending some time thinking--holidays, cold (if you're a northerner), end of the year/start of the new.  I've needed to slow down and reflect some myself recently--on the past year (a doozy, good and bad) and the near & distant future.   

If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have time to make the long slow journey across the desert as did the magi? Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds? Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us there is a desert to travel, a star to discover, and a being within ourselves to bring to life.
- Anonymous

 The “If as Herod” quote has been tumbling around my head the past few days, appropriate for the season, but a good reminder any time of the year that if I want to “travel…discover…” and “[bring] a being within [myself]…to life”, I’ve got to make a long slow journey, sit and watch, and maybe even brood.  I have definitely been filling my life with things and action the past six months.  Not that I consider myself so important—oh wait, that’s not what the quote says—the quote says if we consider ourselves unimportant, then we fill our lives with things.  Shit.  Fail.  

I’ve been busy the past six months—after beginning divorce proceedings (still in progress-sigh) and moving a thousand miles across the country, I started a new job, went back to school part-time, found and furnished (still working on it!) an apartment, bought a car, ran my first 5K (hooray!!!), and went on over a dozen first dates (as well as a half-dozen second dates, now seeing Dr. Cashmere for almost two months).

Have I made any long slow journeys?  Well, yeah, that 1,000-mile drive home was long, all right!  And the divorce has been an agonizing(ly slow) Journey with a capital J!  Have I sat and watched the stars?  Actually, I have spent some solid time star-gazing.  They’re a lovely sight that I mostly missed in the washout of NYC light pollution the past two years, but I’ve admired Orion while biking home from work at night, and done some impromptu yoga back bends with Cassiopeia while Molly debates the merits of this patch of grass or that.  Have I brooded over the coming of a child?  Just maybe-- I am that child, that being within that demands (new) life, though brooding over myself…well, yeah, that pretty much happened too, haha!

So, literally and without thinking of it, I’ve actually done what the quote suggests.  But, at the risk of being too self-critical, I think I may have missed the true message of the quote, which is to slow the fuck down, already.  I had worried that with all I was up to these past months, I was going to get sick.  I averaged around 5-6 hours of sleep a night (on that damn futon¹), and food was fuel, not necessarily of the most nutritious or balanced variety.  Except for a very brief cold, I surprisingly managed to stay in good physical health (did the jogging, biking, and swimming help?) 

Hmm, but did I fall ill in a spiritual sense, maybe?  My beloved spiritual side mostly disappeared around September when I was last reading Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet and sending loving kindness to my bosses (ugh), the ex (UGH), and the cashier at the grocery store.  In hindsight, I’ve missed that spiritual depth.  It’s rekindled a bit the last week, with more free time after classes ended, and the divorce seems to have reached a point of temporary rest.  I also received a new issue of Spirituality and Health magazine at just the right time when I have set aside class readings at my dinner break and can read whatever I choose (the luxury of time! the bliss of choice!).  So I’ve been reading the magazine, as well as a book I picked up at the college library: The Renaissance Soul: Life Design for People with Too Many Passions to Pick Just One (sounds like me!).

I’m still journeying, still watching, still brooding.  I’m not sure I have any travels, discoveries, or new life to report on (yet) but I’m hoping that writing this post, I’ll keep that spiritual side a little closer to my heart and see what comes of it…

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1 December 24 update: 'adult' bed set delivered!!! Thank you Santa...er...Steinhafel's financing, lol. ^↩

October 26, 2016

Today was a strange mix of highs and lows.  It was a rainy day, and as I walked from the parking lot to class, my shoes and socks got wet and stayed that way all day (multiple trips between parking lot & class).  Sigh.  In my morning class, we finished a film about how women are portrayed in the media, and then followed that with discussion and a power point presentation full of really lovely (not) images--ads showing women objectified, sexualized, dehumanized.  It. was. awful.  I have pretty much eliminated tv from my life--I literally do not own one, and haven't watched anything since the Olympics were on back in August.  I think the last movie I saw was Inside Out, which came out over a year ago.  I never pick up the kinds of magazines (women's magazines, especially fashion) that I imagine would carry the kind of ads we saw in class.  In other words, my eyes and brain were naive and innocent, and the nearly pornographic and violent images our professor showed were just too much.  I sat there, trying to breathe, and realized my heart was pounding.  It didn't feel like a panic attack, but in hindsight, I realize my body was in fight-or-flight mode.  I felt wildly unsafe, viewing those images, and hearing the discussion of them.  The class was a a very safe place, but...just seeing those images, I felt overwhelmed at how unsafe the world, and my place as a woman in it, felt just then.  Who makes these images?!  Who thinks this portrayal of women is okay?!  And who--how many hundreds of thousands of people see these images and just casually flip the page, not feeling anything is amiss?!

Do you feel like something is wrong with these?! 

I had to leave class.  It was just too much.  I cried a few minutes, wishing I hadn't had to see those images and experience/feel that, then realized that this is important.  Feeling unsafe and enraged is an important first step to doing something to change this.

And then a high: I took 153 pounds of my ex's stuff to FedEx to ship to him¹.  I stood there and imagined that weight being removed from my shoulders.  Sigh!  The bonus was the guy who helped me was just so damn nice.  He asked for the return address, and I started to give it to him, then remembered I don't want my ex to know where I live, and changed to my parents' address.  We chatted while he worked, and he generously reassured me it gets better, that he was happily remarried after a bad first marriage, and will be celebrating his 20th anniversary next week.  After helping repack several boxes and explaining the tracking numbers, he shook my hand and wished me good luck.  I left and just felt so stunned at how sometimes the kindness of the least significant people in our lives can mean so much.  A doctor can save lives, offer hope & healing, but so can the guy at FedEx.  God bless him.

Back to school for my afternoon class...where we finished watching a documentary on rape and sexual assault on college campuses.  SIGH.  After the morning class, I just wasn't feeling very up to it.  I hated to walk out of a second class in one day, so I doodled anxiously in a notebook to dissociate a bit from the film.  Oh, you should see that sheet of paper!  It is a mess of misquoted poems (I have them memorized, but couldn't recall them well in the emotional state), random words in alphabetical order, Japanese hiragana, most of the 50 states (also alphabetical).  It was a tough class.  After class, I spoke with the professor a bit and shared that I'd left the morning class because it was just too much.  I half-joked that if she'd taught these topics at the start of the semester, I'd have dropped out, but now I'm trapped and have to finish the semester.  I also half-joked that I planned to go home and cuddle my cat the rest of the afternoon and evening.  She apologized, but I told her it's really okay.  This stuff is real, and while it's awful, not learning about it, knowing about it, facing it, feeling about it, won't change it. 

I left school and drove home, crying again about the two difficult, too-difficult classes.  I stopped at the post office to mail a few things, and lo--another high!  There was no line.  And it was 4:30pm!  How is that possible?!  It sounds ridiculous, but seriously.  I have bad, BAD luck with post offices.  This was like a winning lottery ticket.  In and out, and only $3.40 poorer :)

Just over four weeks until the 5k.  I'm so excited!  I'm up to 5:00 jogging / 2:00 walking intervals, x5.  My total distance is right around a 5k now (actually 4 miles today!), and the jogging sections are easy enough that I sometimes push the pace a bit harder.  I'm feeling very optimistic :D  The other day I jogged far enough to discover a lovely boardwalk path back into a marshy area of the Arboretum.  It's a great motivator to jog just a bit farther.  This evening by the time I got home, it was getting dark quickly, drizzling still, and rather chilly.  Not especially inviting weather to go jogging in, but I headed out anyways.  I came across a muskrat (!), and Lake Wingra was a beautiful shade of gray, matching the sky perfectly.  Despite being a chilly, dark-and-stormy-night, it was a really great night for a jog.  I just feel like it's so great to get out, no matter the weather, and LIVE and remember there's a whole world out there, beyond tv and internet.  It fills me with joy :D 

This past week, the jogging got suddenly and unexpectedly easier and more fun.  As I wrote, I'm feeling very optimistic about the 5k.  Originally, I thought I'd just get through it, cross it off "the list" and quit jogging for life (haha) but...now I'm not so sure :)  I have a feeling after this run, there may be something else...another (faster!) 5k, or a 10k.  I feel so strong and powerful and beautiful (in my strength) when I'm out jogging.  I don't think I'll quit after this ;)

And so that was my day...low, high, low, high.  Intense, but I still wouldn't trade it for boring :)  Months ago, I read a brief piece on being "Soulfully Single and Open for Love".  I thought: yes, this.  This is what I want.  To be soulfully single.  I think it definitely took me a few months to get there, after leaving NYC, but I've been feeling the soulful acceptance of --whatever life brings-- the past month or so.  I may have even gone a bit overboard--I'm may be feeling a bit more "Intimidatingly Independent" than "soulfully single", haha (intentional capitalization there!).  If anyone wants my love, he's going to have to really run to catch me, and I'm getting faster and stronger every day :D

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1 Hardcover books, good god, so many.^↩

October 20, 2016

I've signed up for my first 5k--a turkey trot Thanksgiving morning.  I've wanted to do a 5k for...oh, about 8 or 9 years now.  I've tried the Couch-to-5k training program...oh, about 5 or 6 times now, haha, ever hopeful!  Usually I get motivated in the spring or fall, when the weather is nicest, and then after a few weeks...well, I'm not sure what happens.  Maybe it gets too hard, or I get distracted by some new thing to sink my time and energy into.  Knowing me, it's probably more the latter (ooh, shiny!)

I had been jogging this past spring in New York, and had a 5k picked out--close to home, cheap entry, far enough in the future to give me a chance to get up to a point where I can jog the whole thing.  Of course, life intervened (in a pretty huge way), I never signed up, and didn't continue jogging.

This fall, in Madison, with so many things going on (work, school, looking for an apartment--and then a car, also: wrapping up that life interruption), I somehow found the spare time and energy to start jogging again, found a new 5k to set my sights on, and on the last day before the registration fee increased, I committed myself (or at least $40) to the run! 

It helps a lot that I live close to some great jogging paths--the UW Arboretum is nearly my backyard, and Lake Monona is just a short bike ride away.  I got a bit sidelined this past week and a half with a cold, but with the 5k coming up in five weeks, I went out again for a run this afternoon, lingering cold symptoms be damned.  I started on the usual paved roads in/around the Arb, but noticed a trail going off into a wooded area and immediately took the path less traveled ;)

It was one of those beautiful and enchanting places where the trees arch close overhead, creating a cathedral-like effect.  The gently curving path gave just enough of an inviting view ahead.  I didn't have to remind myself to relax and enjoy the run.  The ground was low and a bit soft, but as I jogged on, the ground turned positively soggy and mud sucked at my shoes.  I was really having too much fun to slow down, so I bounded left and right across the worst of the mud, hoping to land on a drier and firmer bit of ground.  Leaping, laughing, frolicking, trying not to twist an ankle!  I need to run cross country more often--it's much more fun than pounding pavement.

On the way back, I felt so good about the run--just about getting out and doing it, continuing to do it, the joy of the path--and the mud!  I felt, again, gratitude.  For my strong, healthy, beautiful body that allows me to have these happy moments, for the time and energy and dedication.  In a moment, I realized: this jog is my prayer of thanks.