October 30, 2017

In August, I spent a good amount of time with my (now ex-) boyfriend's family.  His parents celebrated their 50th anniversary and a week later was his father's birthday.  I enjoyed spending time with them, but it was interesting just to observe his parents, especially his father.  I could see such strong physical resemblance that it wasn't hard to think: this is what Chris will look like in 30 years. 

I could also see similarities in their personalities.  Chris seems very much like his father in personality--less talkative, less at the center of things.  I felt like I was struggling to get to know his father (as I often struggled to know what Chris was thinking and feeling).  It was something of a confirmation of Chris's personality to see how his father acted.  His mother, on the other hand, was easier to get to know as she was definitely the conversationalist--I could relate to that myself, though I was shy (and maybe a bit intimidated!) around her.

Looking back to my marriage, I didn't ever know John's father as he'd left when John was four and was never really heard from or seen again (which no one who knew him seemed to consider a great loss).  Even John had no real recollection of him.  I'd seen a photograph or two of John as a baby with his father, but couldn't get much impression of his father and any possible physical resemblance or, less so, any personality similarities.

John's mother I knew for a while, but over time, John stopped trying to connect with her, and she also didn't make any effort that I knew of to keep in touch.  The last few years, they didn't call or email one another at all, even at holidays or birthdays.  Her appearance was rather dominated by the stroke(s?) she'd suffered, and her physical disability which left her essentially wheelchair-bound.  It was hard to see a family resemblance between her and John.  Her personality I remember as ranging from indifference to bitterness.

I guess it was hard to imagine what John would look or be like in 30 years.  Perhaps it should have been ironically obvious: like his father, he would only exist in photographs (at least to me).  Like his mother, I would notice his bitterness foremost, and there would eventually be no connection between us, including holidays or birthdays.

And then I think of my parents, and my mom especially.  I remember looking at a picture of my mom and me recently and thinking, that's what I'm going to look like in 30 years.  There was of course the immediate "oh, God, no!" reaction of denial that I could ever have hair that gray (uh, though it's definitely happening already) or skin that wrinkled (sigh, that's happening too).  But then it struck me--my mom's smile...here's the picture, see for yourself.

She's beautiful.  Her face glows with joy and her heart with peace.  And I immediately thought: oh, God, I hope I look just like that in 30 years!

My mom hasn't had the easiest, happiest life.  Truly, her childhood and young adulthood had some ugly moments (or months or years).  Even at the time this photo was taken, she was carrying some serious weight in her heart for my sister and me.  A few months earlier, my sister had broken off a ten-year relationship and then started up with a guy nearly 15 years her junior (they're now married!); and I was struggling to get pregnant...or...decide if I even wanted to stay in my marriage (a strange and awful combination that eventually tipped to the latter).  Still, she finds (chooses?) joy and peace.

Perhaps I should stop plucking my gray hairs and focus on embracing my own joy and peace ;)