So many thoughts on my mind today, tumbling around in my head like wet clothes in a dryer. I'm definitely going through some kind of inner--and outer--journey these past few months, trying to figure out my place in the world, what to do next with my life. I suppose we're all, always, journeying in some way, but I guess I'm just a lot more conscious of it in my own life lately.
I've been listening to a recording by Iyanla Vanzant called Finding Faith in Difficult Times (note: it's only about an hour long, so a bit pricey at almost $16; thankfully I was able to download the mp3 from my library for free, hooray for libraries!) I usually listen to it while trying to fall asleep at night; I've listened to it so many times I can almost recite it from memory, haha, but it's good (probably worth the $16.) Phrases from the book come to me during the day when I need some reassurance or guidance. Iyanla's voice is hypnotic and memorable, and so I hear her exact voice, not just her words during the day. "Trust the process." (Slowly, convincingly, with a slight pause after 'trust'.) That's what I'm trying to do right now, with my life. It sometimes feels like a mess, but I'm trying to trust that God/the universe is arranging things and it will become clearer in time where it is I'm going next.
I also just finished the audiobook of Buddha Standard Time by Lama Surya Das. He explains how the "right teaching" will come to the right student, via the right teacher, in the right time and place. (I'm probably mis-summarizing this, as I can't easily go back and find that place in the 'book'. I'll have to listen to it again; this is what I heard, in my heart, not exactly what the author said.) He tells us that, yes, we are each the right student, even if we don't think we're up to the task. I found these thoughts so reassuring today. I feel like I'm so far off course (whose course, I don't know, but I mean, come on, I'm unemployed (by choice, ish), and what's next? I still have no idea). But I'm going to try to "trust the process" and have faith that I am exactly where I need to be in space and time to uncover the wisdom I need to find in myself and my world.
Finally, this evening I went to the Queens meditation, a local offshoot of NY Insight Meditation Center. The topic of the teaching was metta, or loving kindness. I do so love this topic! Our teacher explained how loving kindness is wishing good things for others and ourselves (!), but specifically those things that all beings truly need, such as peace, safety, happiness, and health, NOT the winning lotto numbers ;) That's a want, haha. I've enjoyed practicing sending metta to strangers on the train, and friends and family when trying to fall asleep. I do find it easiest to extend loving kindness to strangers. I don't know if they're a saint or an asshole. In truth, they're probably both. We probably all are, right? But, not knowing anything about them, there's nothing to prevent me from believing that they are a basically good, but suffering, person. And they probably are that too. I think we all are.
I sometimes find it hardest to extend loving kindness to myself. Perhaps this is simply a sign of low self-esteem, or maybe it's just the knowledge of every. little. awful. thing. I've ever thought, felt, or done; or failed to do. Our teacher tonight said that some Buddhist teachers will instruct their students to practice loving kindness only toward oneself for an entire year. !!! I can't imagine! If I did that, every day, for a year...just to myself?! I can't imagine the year would leave me anything less than transformed. For the better? Well, let's hope so, lol, or else I'd be a grade-A self-centered jerk! But if I could truly love myself, unconditionally and whole-heartedly...how much more, then, could I love others?
It's something worth thinking about further...
